People want to be heard
One day, a rich patron of Leonardo Da Vinci came by to inspect a statue he had commissioned. The wealthy aristocrat was amazed by the radiant quality of the piece: A beautiful marble statue of the human form in motion. But there was something off... the nose was too long. He told Da Vinci as much.
Leonardo squinted for a moment and said "of course! I see that now. Where would I be without your artistic vision".
Da Vinci climbed up so he could chisel some material away from the statue.
As he got close, he covered up the tip of the chisel with his hand and made it seem like he was subtly chipping away at it. In reality, he didn't make a single mark on the statue.
He got down, looking at his handiwork and asked for the aristocrat's opinion.
The aristocrat was glowing! "It looks fantastic. Now it's truly perfect"
Sometimes people give us feedback because they want to things to be different. Sometimes they just want to feel heard.
I've heard modern design versions of this story many times from colleagues and friends. Personally, I don't have the poker face for this approach. But it does illustrate the fact that sometimes people's feedback comes from a place of wanting to be heard rather than moving objective outcomes.
Great businesses are built on strong relationships. When people give you feedback and you hear them out graciously, you are strengthening your relationships. That's true even when the feedback is misguided, arbitrary, grounded in terrible taste, or hard to hear.
When should you play ball?
If you detect that someone's feedback is coming primarily from a place of wanting to be heard, should you incorporate it?
If their idea is atleast 80% as good as yours, go with it. Why? Playing ball will give you the relationship capital you need so you can push back when you're really sure that your way is unambiguously better.
Can't accept an 80% solution? Good. You should absolutely aim for perfection. Ask your stakeholder questions to help them strengthen their idea. Try asking genuine, non-leading questions to help them see areas for improvement while still feeling like it's their idea.
I recently did this when an executive expressed qualms about the interface of a major feature we were about to ship at Eve. First, I assessed the pros and cons of his solution and mine. Then I bolstered the weaknesses of his solution and created a variation that was stronger than either, but still clearly looked and felt like his idea.
When I push back on him next, he'll remember that I'm a low ego, reasonable person who wants what is best for the company and it'll be a lot easier for me to put my foot down.
Or will it?
What if not pushing back becomes a habit to the point where you don't say no even when you should? What if consistently not pushing back turns you into a pathological people pleaser?
To be frank, this is a very real possibility. At different times in my career I've been everything from outright combative to a saccharine people pleaser and the latter often came from a uncalibrated attempt to be a team player.
Next week we'll talk about how to say 'yes' and build relationship capital while still maintaining the ability to push back when it counts.
It's a subtle but crucial skill that will make you significantly more valuable, which is exactly the sort of thing we love to investigate on this blog.